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falling apart

Like I always say......it's a roller coaster. Things are bad again. I'm fighting to keep this relationship together and he's just letting it go. On my drive to youth group tonight I really began to consider that it's not going to work. I can't always be the one fighting. Today he didn't even bother to call me. I called him for a second time on my way to the church this evening and asked if he was planning on calling me....he said yeah, of course. And to that I replied, when? you know I have youth group so when did you think you were going to call? And he basically didn't have an answer. If we aren't physically seeing eachother and the only way we have to communicate is through phone calls or AIM, then he's gotta make an effort to call. I think he's going through a depressed phase now.....normally I think he would care....or maybe he doesn't realize how close I am to leaving him....I am soooo close. I won't be in a relationship where I am walked all over again. I can't let myself be in that kind of a relationship. It's not like I'm keeping any of this from him either. I know sometimes I expect him to do what I'd like him to do without really telling him my feelings, but I'm being very very clear. I wrote a letter last night further explaining how I feel. He should get it Tuesday.I mean, I don't know what to do. Saturday we were going to hang out. I was going to drive to my school then take the T into Boston. I told him I wasn't going to go because he wasn't even making an effort to talk with me. Why should I drive an hour, spend another hour on the T, and spend money I don't really have, when he can't even make an effort to talk with me. Maybe he was thinking I'd give in like I usually do, but I didn't. This Saturday we'll have the same opportunity to hang out. I told him that he needs to prove to me that he wants me there....So far he hasn't...all he says is, "I'll do better."....THEN DO IT. gosh. Is it really that difficult. If it is then we have serious problems.......It's killing me inside. And it's going to kill me if I have to end it. I love him so much. More than I've ever loved anyone. That's why I'm trying so hard. I'm trying to be patient. I want to be supportive while he's in the group home.....but do I let my needs waiver? Do I just suck it up and pretend like it doesn't matter? My mom wants us to break up. Yesterday she said, "you deserve better. you should be treated like you're on a pedestal" ....... I want that. Mike says he wants to treat me that way...he doesn't though.
I texted Manda today and asked if she was free for lunch Tuesday. I could really use a friend. I dont know that I want to talk about all of this, but I just want to be around one of my girlfriends. I miss having girlfriends and being able to trash boys and vent about life. I miss that more than anything right now.
I don't know what's going to happen with us. I want to hope for the best......