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Feb. 25th, 2010

Mike moves into the group home on Sunday. Many emotions are inside me right now. Anger is one of them. He was supposed to move in Monday if he got into the group home. However some of his family feels Sunday should be the day. I don't get it. I was hoping that I could be a part of it. I wanted to be there when he moved in. Now I can't because of course Sunday morning I have a job obligation to church. It's so frustrating. I wonder if his family will ever BUTT OUT. Maybe this group home will give some control back to Mike.....afterall it is his life. Part of me didn't want him to get in. I wanted more time with him. I know this is what's best for him and ultimately us.....if we make it through. I am just having such a hard time with it now. I can't help but think, if I can't deal with this now, how am I going to last a year...maybe more. Whenever I talk with Mike he shows no emotion at all. I know guys hide it in, but if he is perfectly fine with what's going on, then we have issues. I know when I tell my mom tomorrow I won't be able to hold in the tears. The last thing I want is for her to think of this as a "maybe you'll learn from this that's he's not the right one for you." I know that's how she feels, but I pray she will keep that to herself the next couple days. In the past, once my relationships went long distance, things took a turn for the worst and we would end up breaking up. I think that's another reason I'm having such a difficult time. I can't help but feel this is the beginning of the end. More than anything I was to be positive about this......but I can't. I can't stand that things will never be the same come Sunday.....and not even come Sunday. This began on Monday. Monday night everything changed. I hate this. I hate this so much. By far this is one of the worst times in my life. Call me dramatic...I don't care. It's how I feel.
I hate this.

beginning of the end

Last Wednesday I started the 40 day challenge....today it's been a week and it was weigh in day. People have been losing lots of weight....especially the guys....10 lbs for one dude. Me however, I stayed the same. I didn't even lose any water weight. So I'm still retaining water. Gosh, I drink and pee so much I thought for sure I would at least lose some water. Nope. Mayra thought it might have been because I weight in about an hour after I had lunch. Maybe. My mom thinks it's because of stress. I am so stressed. And not the usual stress I've dealt with before dealing with school and money. While I still do have a small amount pertaining to that, right now it's all about Mike. Last night was awful. To put it simply, his mom was yelling, no screeching, at him about a stain on his pants. After so many times she's done that since we've been together, last night I walked out. I couldn't deal with it anymore. I told Mike that I will not be going over his house anymore. So that happened and today he went to Cambridge to meet all the residents in the group home he'll be staying in. He called me just a little while ago and told me a little about it. He's not open at all and I feel like I have to pull simple details out of him. Found out he won't be home until Friday. I guess I might as well start getting used to this now. I feel like this is the beginning of the end for us. If I can't deal with him being away for 3 nights, how will I deal with him being gone for a year. He does have 6 overnights a week, but I don't know if he'll come home that often. He told me there isn't really parking there so I won't be able to get out there much. I don't want to be riding the T alone at night. Maybe he'll ride it with me and then go home alone.....cause I can park at my school and catch the T there. I dont know. He could be gone on Monday. I asked if there were any younger girls there and he said no...thank goodness. At least I don't have to worry about him living with girls he could get together with....for now. The worst part of everything is that he doesn't seem to care as much as I do. Tonight I told him how I felt about that and he told me that he does care........but he doesn't show it at all. He completely hides his emotions from me. Part is because he wants to be the strong guy in front of me, but he doesn't realize that I need to see his true feelings. I don't think he truly gets how difficult this is for me. Whenever I think about it I can't help but cry. I'm trying not to in front of my parents because they don't really want me with him as it is. They wouldn't be all that disappointed if we broke up. SO I can't talk about a lot with my mom. I am so emotional right now. I hate being like this. I'm an emotional person as it is. On top of that I'm due for my period this weekend so I'm extra emotional. dang it. And I'm supposed to be dieting, working out to lose weight. gah.
I know going to a group home is the best thing for Mike. The number one reason being that it will get him out of his house. He doesn't deserve the treatment he gets from his mom and his grandmother tries to help by doing everything for him. This will make him grow. However, it's killing me. I'm so torn up inside. How long will he be there? I can't see how just 6 months will be enough or even a year. Can I deal with him being away for so long?

I can't think about this anymore tonight......................

Feb. 9th, 2010

Tomorrow I have an appointment for the 40 day challenge before it starts on the 17th. I'm not 100% sure what I'm getting myself into. All I know is that I'm paying 50 extra bucks for this 40 day program. Kinda scary since I haven't been to the gym in forever. For a long time now I've been saying I'll start,...obviously I haven't. I'm putting on weight and I'm disgusted with myself. I know I take my frustrations out on my parents and Mike...not good. My prayer is that doing this 40 day challenge will give me some motivation. I pray I pray I pray.

The Christian Education meeting I had tonight went well. I asked about getting a room to be designated as the youth room. They aren't sure that will happen because the youth director before wanted one, but was turned down. I'm hopeful about the youth group though. I have high hopes for them...not too high...lol.

I'm tired....can't write anymore.
Mike has an interview for the group home on February 22nd. I have mixed emotions about this. On one hand I'm glad that means we'll have more time together than we thought. His doctors said he might leave before Valentine's Day, so having extra time is nice. On the other hand it just prolongs his possibility of getting better. It also means I have to deal with his mom longer. Don't get me wrong, she is a nice woman. Sometimes I don't understand her though. Partly I know it's because she's at the end of her rope. There isn't conversation anymore it just goes to yelling. However I'm not used to that. It's been a while since my mom yelled at me. She does get frustrated that I don't keep my room as clean as she'd like, but I don't get in trouble for it. She treats me like a young adult. Mike's mom treats him like he's in high school still. When I'm over there I feel like I get in trouble as well. And omg, the other day I decided to be nice and buy him the lip balm that he likes...I got one for myself too. It was just a small little thing. When his mom saw it she was like "Michael I have tons of those upstairs"..... I don't know if she thought he asked me to get them for him or something. But seriously. I was just trying to be sweet to my boyfriend and she makes it a big deal. Then she has the nerve to ask how much I paid for it only to inform me that it's way cheaper at Walmart. Okay, I'm done venting about his mom. This is all really about the fact that I want my freedom back. I had freedom for the time I was at Defiance and the short time I lived in my apartment at ANTS. Living at home has its benefits, but it has way more drawbacks. I want my freedom. I wonder when I'll be able to move out. I wonder if Mike and I will ever move in together. I wonder if we'll make it through the group home. For a few days I was positive about the group home.....now I'm not so much. I can't see it working. Not that we need to have sex to keep our relationship together, but we need alone time with just us and no one else. Will we get that? Will we ever have privacy. We don't have much now as it is. Too many things going on in my head. I don't know exactly what he's thinking because he doesn't talk with me about it. He doesn't share as much as I do. He agree's or disagree's with what I say, but doesn't go further than that. I want to know how he feels and I want him to struggle this issue with me. And I hate talking on AIM with him. I like to have a response right away. I treat it like any other conversation. But he's doing other things and talking with other people so he doesn't respond right away. That's kinda fine if we're having a light conversation, but not a serious one. Everything in my life right now is a struggle. My relationship, my weight, my self-esteem, my financial situation, my masters degree. I should be taking meds for depression, but I can't afford them.

The library will be closing soon and I want to finish watching Brothers and Sisters before I have to go home.goodnight
Youth group went great. Better than I thought it would. For the first hour with the 4-6th grade only 2 kids showed up. But we had a good time. We played hucklebuckle beanstock for about 30 minutes. That was one of my favorite games when I was in PF. There were 6 kids for the older group. They had a lot of good ideas for what they wanted to do. All they asked was that youth group isn't too serious all the time. I had to let them know that since it is a church youth group, there will be some religious discussions. lol. I think it's going to be good. They all seemed to enjoy it, so that's positive. It's exciting to finally be doing what I've always wanted to do. How great would it be to complete my masters and then get a full time job in Christian Education. Amazing.....seriously.
I think I have something going on with my sinuses. My nose feels freezing cold on the inside and my right cheek and eye hurt. I hope I don't get an infection. I hate sinus problems. I should eat some spicy food....that's supposed to help.
It's funny when people come into the library expecting something and when they don't find it and I can't help them they complain. Not my fault people! My bosses just returned from a meeting. I hope they don't have me do actual work. haha. I hate doing work when I'm at work. I'd much rather play on farmville, read, chat and watch videos.......and get paid a good amount for doing it. Love my job.
nothing else to comment on now. I'm gonna read my Kindle

nervous making announcements

Right now I'm at the church waiting while Sunday school is in process. There isn't much for me to do during this time. I want to know why I get so nervous making announcements at this church. A couple weeks ago I practically lost my voice because I was so nervous. It sounded as if I was out of breath, but I wasn't. I didn't like it at all. This Sunday I wrote down my announcement and read it directly from the paper. At the end I was looking up more often and my voice began to do the same thing. I can't stand it, seriously. I've never done this before. Of course I've been nervous before, but never to that point. Maybe 5 minutes after the announcement I do the children's time, and I am completely fine for that. I don't get as nervous and I don't lose my voice. Maybe it's because I'm not looking out at the congregation. I talk with the kids the entire time. It doesn't make sense. I think part of it might be because I have such a low self esteem lately that I become even more nervous and embarassed infront of the congregation. It's frustrating to say the least.

I like typing on this laptop. I hate the computer itself though. It's a Dell and after using this one in my office (it's the churches) I know for a fact I would never buy a Dell. I know some people have goo luck with them, but I hear more horror stories than positive ones.

I don't think any kids are coming tonight from youth group. I just stopped by two of the classrooms to ask them to right down ideas about what they see as the perfect youth group, and they give me blank stares. They don't look interested at all. Its sad because I would love to lead a good youth group. I'll have to update later tonight or tomorrow about how it went. As difficult as it is, I'm trying to stay positive.
The roller coaster that is my life. Someday I really believe that my life wont be such a roller coaster. I need to have hope that at some point things will change. Of course the massage therapy fell through mostly because I didn't receive the funds. Now I see this misfortune as a blessing. As I've always believed, everything happens for a reason. This still isn't easy for me though since I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I know I don't want to finish my M.Div degree. However, I could change that to Master of Religious Education which is what I am feeling called to now. So I met with the prof who is the main person for that and I need to meet with him again to go over what classes I would need to take in order to complete that degree. I think that if I can complete it in one year I'll go for it. If it will take longer I'm just not sure. I know for a fact that I'm not ready yet to get back into classes, but maybe in the fall I'll be ready. I'm playing with the idea in my head. I don't want to think these last few years were a waste....not that they were but it would be nice to come away with something tangible...diploma. It's not like churches will look at my 3 years here as something worth hiring me for...they will want to know that I completed my degree. It would also open up more job opportunities for me. It's kind of exciting to think about.

Last week Mike and I went to Maine for 4 days. It was really nice. However Mike had trouble sleeping and basically didn't sleep for 2 nights which frustrated me because while he was awake so was I. He went into the freakin ocean though!!! crazy!!! There are pictures on my facebook page of him. Some people were watching him too. That was funny. Our room was nice. It had a fireplace that would heat up the room to 80 in about 10 minutes. One night I woke up freezing cold so I put it on (it was a gas fireplace) Then I woke up sweating hot. the room couldn't even register the temp....it was over 85..lol. I even opened the door to get some of the ocean breeze. so hot.

Mike will be going to a group home. He might even get into one before Valentines Day. He needs to go to one because it will help him in the long run, but I don't do well with long distance. The one his doctors want him to go to is in Cambridge. I don't know. It won't be impossible, but it won't be easy. I want things to be easy. For once I want things to be easy. Ugh. On Thursday I went with him to Boston to meet with his doctors. It was basically a meeting to get my on board with the group home. It was difficult, but good. I hope we can make it through this time. And I pray he's not there for more than 6 months. That's the minimum time he can be there....I didn't ask about the max time...I should have done that. He just told me 5 years. But he said he'll only stay for 1 at the max....I don't know.
We went to an Indian restaurant in Somerville...outside of Cambridge. Soo yummy. We had the buffet to try some things. I had some stuff with peas in it. I loved it. And the Naan bread was delicious. It was fresh and warm and mmmmm. lol. We drove in with his mom in the morning and since she has to be at work for 6 am, we left at 5...I was up at 3:50 so I could shower. When we got to the hospital for the appointment, we were there early so I slept. Then after the appointment and the Indian food we went to his aunts house and we both slept there. That was nice. We hung out at my house then his house for a little. But not late because we were both exhausted. It was a roller coaster kind of day. I wonder what his doctors thought of me. I was crying a lot......I can't help that I'm an emotional person.....and jealous. I hate my jealousy. And I hate my low self esteem. It's taking a tole on our relationship too. Blah. Someday that will change too....Someday.

I've been reading my Kindle a lot lately. I bought the Twilight series. I love those books. I didn't think I would get into them, but I have. I enjoy reading about others peoples drama. haha. I had to get a new Kindle though because mine stopped working. I think it's because I left it in my car for a few hours when I went to Mikes. Thankfully it was still under a warranty so they sent me a new one overnight. yay. now I'm back to reading the last book in the series. I wonder what I'll read after that.

Tomorrow I start youth group at the church. I wicked excited yet also incredibly nervous. I just pray kids show up. If they don't I have to figure out another way to go about creating a youth group. I've never done this before. I think I should make cupcakes or bring some sort of snack for them. I'm doing it in 2 groups. 4th-6th grade and 7th-12th. I can't wait! I have to give an announcement tomorrow morning for it. And I'm doing the children's message tomorrow. For some reason I get really nervous about that at this church. I haven't been this nervous in front of a congregation for a while. I don't like it.

That's a decent entry for now.
I am okay with not doing massage therapy. I think my mom was right when she told me she thought I was trying to do a "quick fix" for my situation. I'm kind of lost and I thought that would be the answer. How in the world did I think I could go to classes 4 days a week for 8am for 10-15 weeks? Seriously? I'm actually glad that I couldn't afford it. I am an extremely impulsive person and when I get something in my head I have to do it right away. Thinking things through is not a gift I have. However now I'm left in the same situation I was before. I don't want to take classes yet I know a masters would help me greatly in the long run. I wonder how long I can take a leave of absence. I just sent an e-mail to a religious education prof here to meet with him. Maybe I don't need that many more classes for a religious education degree. I wish someone would just tell me what to do.
Don't even get me going on money. I definitely don't make enough even though I have 3 jobs. One job barely pays for the cost of gas to get there....3 hours a week?!?! what?!?! Then there's the fact that I really should be taking medication for SAD yet I can't afford it. UGH. As much as I hate summer, at least my mood is better and I have a little more motivation. My grandma sent me a picture from the family Christmas party....boy do I need to get to the gym. sigh.......
I miss my friends. Here, I really only have Mike. He's wonderful, but I can't always be venting to him....especially if he's the one I need to vent about. lol. I'm horrible at staying in touch with people. I miss my days in college so much. Those were some of the best days of my life...no questions asked. I miss them.
My parents loved their trip to Maine from me. They were there during the bad storm so they got to see the flooding and the incredible waves. I saw some pictures. I had Mike over while they were gone and we definitely needed that time alone. Hopefully we'll be able to keep our 4 day trip thats coming up towards the end of January. His mom is being a pain and telling him he can't help pay for it so I'm not sure I can afford it all alone. I really really really want to go though.
I've been reading the Twilight series. I didn't think I'd get into it, but I watched the first movie and liked it. My mom gave me some money for Kindle books so I bought the serious. Only $23 for 4 books. Thank you Kindle.
I think I'll go read some now actually I'm on the New Moon one.
frustrated. I am incredibly frustrated. After two meetings at Salter College last week I was sooo excited to begin massage therapy. I met with them Friday to ask some questions and before I knew it I was enrolling myself for the January 11th start date. On Saturday I met with financial aid. And that's when things took a turn for the worst. Defiance put me around 55,000 in debt with federal loans and I added another 25,000 onto that with ANTS....so total I'm around 80,000 in debt with federal loans. For undergraduate the most I could take out was 57,000....for graduate I can take out up to 138,000. Because Salter is considered undergraduate, I cannot take out anymore federal loans. If it was a graduate school I would be fine because I'm only at 80,000 and I can still go to 138,000. It's soooo messed up. So I had 3 options. 1-get someone to co-sign a loan with me. 2- go to a bank and take out a personal loan. 3- do a payment plan with Salter. My parents can't cosign because their credit is maxed and my mom is beginning to pay off her student loans. I tried going to St. Mary's Credit Union because they are about the only chance I have with a bank. 3 - this could be possible depending on how much they want me to pay a month and if I can start paying when I've finished. This is such a frustrating situation I'm in. If I can't get the money, then I don't know what I'll do. I've messed up my chances with ANTS because I never finished the 3 incompletes I had......and honestly I don't want to. Massage therapy was the perfect solution for my problems. It would eventually help me to become financially stable. I just don't know. It seems hopeless. And it kills me to know that I could easily have the money if it could be considered a graduate program. Gah. And Sallie Mae is killing my credit with the mess they got me into. Tomorrow my job is to get this figured out. I need to find a solution that will get me into Salter.
Everything else in my life is good. Well, Lane Bryant is iffy. When they interviewed me they said between 8-20 hours....more towards the 20 side during the holidays. well, It's during the holidays and I've had 2 weeks with just 4 hours, last week I had only 3, this week I have 7. They schedule me in then call me to tell me not to come in. Yet since they hired me, they've also hired a bunch of new associates. I don't understand why they keep hiring new people when they don't give enough hours to the people already there. If I didn't have the massage therapy thing coming up I would complain. But I'd hate to complain when if I do the Salter thing I'd have to limit my hours more. I'm applying to some other places in town. The library will be giving me 12 hours a week. That's 2 less than what I have now. I was hoping for more. It seems like getting my life together is taking forever. Why can't things be easy. Where's that easy button??? lol
Mike and I are good. His birthday was yesterday. I got him some stationary things...writing pads, pens..And then a shirt from LLbean, and pj's from old navy. I got him a few balloons...one says "chaa" it's great. I also made him a blue cake. I used white cake mix and added blue food coloring. Then i made dark blue frosting, and a lighter blue for the writing. It turned our mouths blue for the entire night. It was great. I need to return his shirt because it's too big. Hopefully that will be easy. So much to do.
Last Sunday was the Sunday school's Christmas pageant. It was insanely chaotic, but it was perfect. I think the kids had a good time. I'm glad it's done though. Now I need to work on the children's celebration for January 3rd and youth group that I'll start sometime in january. busy busy. I absolutely love it though. I hope I stay there for a while.

Christmas bells are ringing!

Hands down this is my favorite time of year. I thought working at the mall would ruin it since I've already been listening to Christmas music for about 2 months, but it's still the best time of year. The only thing I don't like is that my mom has so much to do with church stuff that she gets stressed and takes it out on my dad and I. Not fun. We try to deal with it the best we can. I hope that my Christmas present will be just what she needs. 4 days and 3 nights in Maine. So far it's looking like I can still afford it. I just have to stop buying clothes at Lane Bryant! haha.
I'm getting more serious about looking at massage therapy schools. I need to go to one in the area that's not too far away. I think Bancroft might be at the top of my list. The most difficult part about choosing one is finding a schedule that is sensible. I need to keep the library job. Which will probably mean it will take me longer to be finished with school. The shortest program I've found is 7 months, but it would basically be going everyday and I couldn't keep the library job. The longest is 17 months I think and that's more realistic for me. There are ones in between though. With Bancroft I wouldn't have to go every day....I think maybe 3 times a week. There's another one...I forget the name of it...that I would have to go every day...even if I picked the shorter program. Salter School is another one. I have to make a decision this week so I can let the library know what days I can work. I'm excited about it....nervous too. I think it will be great for me...When I'm done I'll be able to have a steadier job and better income.
This Sunday I'm leading the kids in a Christmas pageant. Last Sunday we had rehearsal and it was crazy to say the least. I'm praying it will turn out okay. As excited as I am about it I can't wait till it's over. All I hope is that the kids show up. I also hope that I don't have more than 6 angels... because I don't have enough wings...lol I should make angel halo's......I need to google how.