frustrated. I am incredibly frustrated. After two meetings at Salter College last week I was sooo excited to begin massage therapy. I met with them Friday to ask some questions and before I knew it I was enrolling myself for the January 11th start date. On Saturday I met with financial aid. And that's when things took a turn for the worst. Defiance put me around 55,000 in debt with federal loans and I added another 25,000 onto that with ANTS....so total I'm around 80,000 in debt with federal loans. For undergraduate the most I could take out was 57,000....for graduate I can take out up to 138,000. Because Salter is considered undergraduate, I cannot take out anymore federal loans. If it was a graduate school I would be fine because I'm only at 80,000 and I can still go to 138,000. It's soooo messed up. So I had 3 options. 1-get someone to co-sign a loan with me. 2- go to a bank and take out a personal loan. 3- do a payment plan with Salter. My parents can't cosign because their credit is maxed and my mom is beginning to pay off her student loans. I tried going to St. Mary's Credit Union because they are about the only chance I have with a bank. 3 - this could be possible depending on how much they want me to pay a month and if I can start paying when I've finished. This is such a frustrating situation I'm in. If I can't get the money, then I don't know what I'll do. I've messed up my chances with ANTS because I never finished the 3 incompletes I had......and honestly I don't want to. Massage therapy was the perfect solution for my problems. It would eventually help me to become financially stable. I just don't know. It seems hopeless. And it kills me to know that I could easily have the money if it could be considered a graduate program. Gah. And Sallie Mae is killing my credit with the mess they got me into. Tomorrow my job is to get this figured out. I need to find a solution that will get me into Salter.
Everything else in my life is good. Well, Lane Bryant is iffy. When they interviewed me they said between 8-20 hours....more towards the 20 side during the holidays. well, It's during the holidays and I've had 2 weeks with just 4 hours, last week I had only 3, this week I have 7. They schedule me in then call me to tell me not to come in. Yet since they hired me, they've also hired a bunch of new associates. I don't understand why they keep hiring new people when they don't give enough hours to the people already there. If I didn't have the massage therapy thing coming up I would complain. But I'd hate to complain when if I do the Salter thing I'd have to limit my hours more. I'm applying to some other places in town. The library will be giving me 12 hours a week. That's 2 less than what I have now. I was hoping for more. It seems like getting my life together is taking forever. Why can't things be easy. Where's that easy button??? lol
Mike and I are good. His birthday was yesterday. I got him some stationary things...writing pads, pens..And then a shirt from LLbean, and pj's from old navy. I got him a few balloons...one says "chaa" it's great. I also made him a blue cake. I used white cake mix and added blue food coloring. Then i made dark blue frosting, and a lighter blue for the writing. It turned our mouths blue for the entire night. It was great. I need to return his shirt because it's too big. Hopefully that will be easy. So much to do.
Last Sunday was the Sunday school's Christmas pageant. It was insanely chaotic, but it was perfect. I think the kids had a good time. I'm glad it's done though. Now I need to work on the children's celebration for January 3rd and youth group that I'll start sometime in january. busy busy. I absolutely love it though. I hope I stay there for a while.

Hands down this is my favorite time of year. I thought working at the mall would ruin it since I've already been listening to Christmas music for about 2 months, but it's still the best time of year. The only thing I don't like is that my mom has so much to do with church stuff that she gets stressed and takes it out on my dad and I. Not fun. We try to deal with it the best we can. I hope that my Christmas present will be just what she needs. 4 days and 3 nights in Maine. So far it's looking like I can still afford it. I just have to stop buying clothes at Lane Bryant! haha.
I'm getting more serious about looking at massage therapy schools. I need to go to one in the area that's not too far away. I think Bancroft might be at the top of my list. The most difficult part about choosing one is finding a schedule that is sensible. I need to keep the library job. Which will probably mean it will take me longer to be finished with school. The shortest program I've found is 7 months, but it would basically be going everyday and I couldn't keep the library job. The longest is 17 months I think and that's more realistic for me. There are ones in between though. With Bancroft I wouldn't have to go every day....I think maybe 3 times a week. There's another one...I forget the name of it...that I would have to go every day...even if I picked the shorter program. Salter School is another one. I have to make a decision this week so I can let the library know what days I can work. I'm excited about it....nervous too. I think it will be great for me...When I'm done I'll be able to have a steadier job and better income.
This Sunday I'm leading the kids in a Christmas pageant. Last Sunday we had rehearsal and it was crazy to say the least. I'm praying it will turn out okay. As excited as I am about it I can't wait till it's over. All I hope is that the kids show up. I also hope that I don't have more than 6 angels... because I don't have enough wings...lol I should make angel halo's......I need to google how.

Looks like my plans for Christmas presents are on track. I'm hoping to send my parents away to Maine from December 30th to January 2nd. Then I'm also going away with Mike to Maine from January 21st-24th. It's difficult preparing for this because I need to make sure I have enough money to pay for bills. I don't think my parents will expect this at all. I have to admit that I'm partly doing it so Mike and I will have some more time to be alone. I don't think that's a huge problem though. I don't feel guilty about it since my parents definitely need the time away. I've already booked the rooms for both trips. I have to send in a deposit as soon as I can. I'll probably do that tomorrow. Once I send it a deposit then I will get mailed a confirmation about it. I want to know 100% that the rooms are booked for the correct dates. I know that my parents will be happy about getting a the trip but I also know they will say that they don't have enough money for gas/food/whatever else....so I'm hoping to get gift certificates for Jake's Seafood, Mike's Clam Shack, and then a prepaid VISA they could use for gas and snacks in their room/breakfast/etc. I'm praying this all works out. Quite expensive though. I basically have no extra money to spend for myself for November, December and January. However I do need to get something, something small, for Mikes birthday in December. I'll probably get him something related to stationary. Maybe a new journal. He needs to pj pants too.

I haven't been looking at massage schools. I really need to do that if I want to make some money. Lane Bryant has been giving me only 4 hours a week for the last 2 weeks....It's not even really worth it. Yet they are hiring a load of new people. They've hired 5 new people since I've been there and they are still doing interviews. NOT COOL LANE BRYANT..... It's great that they have more schedules to play with for the holidays, but at the same time that's more schedules to work around.....Plain and simple, I need more hours. I finally got my last paycheck from MorningStar yesterday. Finally that ordeal is overwith. Praise God. I'm sick of them. Thank goodness for the library and church that give me good money. I hope I can still work here even when I'm not a registered student. I don't know what I'd do without this job.

Mike and I are still on our roller coaster. I don't think that will ever change. For the last 2 weeks he's been in the partial program at Mcleans psychiatric hospital. He goes every day from 9-3 and has classes during the day about bipolar and stuff. It's the second time he's done it and I hope it helps and has longlasting effects. They've been bringing up a group home again. He told his doctors that if he does go to one, which he doesn't want to, it won't be until after January so he can go away with me to Maine. They can't force him into a group home because insurance doesn't cover it, but his family could force him. Though he told me last night that his family said one option could be getting him an apartment that his mom would pay for...he'd give her money when he could...when he gets a job. So that's interesting. I'd love that option. We were deciding what we'd do for Thanksgiving. He came with me with my family last year so I'm supposed to go with him this year. With his family dynamics I'm not so fond of that right now. Plus my family has traditions on Thanksgiving that I don't really want to skip. So I told him that I'd be with my family for Thanksgiving and his for Christmas and Easter. I don't really have big traditions for those holidays since both my mom and I are in the ministry it all depends what our churches are doing. Tonight I want to make sure he's okay with that. And I told him that he's welcome to spend Thanksgiving with my family, but he doesn't have to since he did last year. We'll talk about that tonight.

On Sunday I was offered the youth director position at Whitinsville. I accepted right away. So now on top of being the Christian Education Director, I will also have the youth group to lead. I am sooooo excited about it. I'll get some more money for doing that too. The chair of CE said about 1,000 more than I'm getting. Not much, but any bit helps. I'm really enjoying working there. They must like me since they also offered me the position. I just hope I can prove to them that I'm good at it. I don't believe the previous youth director knew what he was doing or really care. I have to prove to them.

I'm surprised I wrote this much. I didn't think I'd do a long update. Life is good.....

The plan over the summer was that I'd take a year off from seminary. That plan might be changing. I've been thinking about seminary a lot. I am not happy here. And I'm not feeling called to ordained ministry. If I finish here I will probably change my degree to Religious Education. Later on down the road if I'm feeling called to ordained ministry then I will come back to ANTS and do that. But why waste more time and energy doing something I don't feel called to do and not content with. In my last entry I mentioned massage therapy. I am seriously considering going to school for that. From the couple places I've looked at the classes schedules blend very well with people who are also working. One school I was looking at offers different programs like a 9 month one and a 17 month one. It all depends how many days a week I can go to the campus. So I'll be able to definitely keep the CE and library jobs. I don't think I'd be able to keep LB. I want to look at schools now so I can possibly start january-febuary. A bunch started this week. I would have loved to have started now but I need to figure out financial aid and loans. It's exciting. The only negative thing is that it will most likely delay my moving out. Thats a bummer. but it could mean more money for me in the long run so it will hopefully be worth it.

Besides a couple of stressful things, life is good. I'm staying busy, which as tired as I may be sometimes, at the end of the day I'm happy. It feels good to be busy and not sleep in everyday. I think last week I had two days where I slept in. One of them I slept in till 11:30. I loved it since I haven't done that in a long long time. Mike and I are good. We haven't had any major issue's. Turns out his mom doesn't like me because I don't talk with her enough. Sorry, but I'm not dating Mike to talk with her. She's being a bit ridiculous. When we're in a room together I talk with her. Often she's busy doing something else...so I don't quite understand that. Our jobs prevent us sometimes from seeing each other as much as we'd like, but we both desperately need the money. I've added a Tuesday shift at the library. The library is my main source of income. LB pays me nothing practically. Oh yeah, I was so excited because I got a card in the mail about LB offering health insurance. SO I called this morning only to find out that their insurance doesn't meet the minimum standards for massachusetts. So I need to go onto masshealth or something. I have to do that this week because I have NO health insurance now and I need it by december so I don't get charged for not having it. crazy.
My mom has always told me that I should become a massage therapist. Today I was checking it out on the internet and I've requested some info from nearby schools. I would love to do it if I could afford it. It would be a great side job to have along with the ministry. Of course now I have this idea in my head and I want to start immediately. lol. I am the most impatient person sometimes.

I have 3 hours left of work and so far I've been at the desk. I'm praying they don't make me shelve books. I HATE shelving. I'd much rather get paid to sit here playing on the internet. lol. I am so thirsty. and I can't wait to see Mike tonight. hehe.

I'm in such a mix of emotions lately. Mike and I are seeing less of each other because our schedules are conflicting. It seriously bites. I told him he has to get Sunday evenings off so we can at least have one definite day we know we can be together. Other than that it's all my chance our schedules work out. Blah. With the 3 jobs I have I'm making about 1520 a month. That's without considering taxes. Sadly, that's not enough money for me to live on my own with. It's enough for me to pay all my bills, I think, but not enough for me to get my own place. Oddly, my mom seems fine with this...Actually more than fine. For me it's extremely frustrating. More than anything I need my own place. I have to figure out some way to do this. I think I'll beg for hours at the library. I can definitely work more there on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Those are my two library days. I don't know what to do. I like working at Lane Bryant. All the girls there are wicked nice. Today I worked with a girl who's name is Stephanie and also has a boyfriend named Mike. She's a size 26-28. I was comparing myself to her and I need to lose weight. I'm so close to being as big as her. I had a moment of being completely disgusted with myself. Somehow I need to figure out ways to control my eating and bad habits. I'll start spending more on clothes and less on food. haha. And I must stop my consumption of coffee coolatas. They are soooo bad and I don't need them.
So I'm happy I finally am making an income, I'm sad it's not enough for me to get my own place, I'm sad our jobs mean less time together with Mike, I'm happy I'm content with my jobs........so yeah. what's that saying....life is like a roller coaster.

Last night at 1:22am my mom got a phone call from UMASS hospital. A girl from the church had been killed in a car accident. She side swiped a tree or something like that. The parents I guess requested my mom to be there. I can't imagine what this family is going through. The worst part is that it might possibly have been prevented. They know for sure that she wasn't wearing her seat belt. What if she had been wearing it??? They also think she could have been texting. Sad to see another example of why texting and driving is bad. The only thing that should be done behind the wheel is DRIVING. :( It breaks my heart. She just graduated high school. Tomorrow night there's going to be a candle light vigil for her at the high school. She was a cheerleader so probably popular and they were having in school counseling available for students.

makes the issue's in my life seem so small. Thank God I'm alive.

I'm not working at Morning Star anymore. Last week I quit. However everyone in my family, including Mike thinks I was fired. I didn't want to let them know that I quit. So shhhh it's a secret. The same week I quit I also was hired at Lane Bryant. My first day was yesterday and so far it's much better than MS. I really couldn't stand that place and I'm glad I made the decision to leave. I'm also thankful for LB hiring me so quickly after leaving MS. One of the best parts about working at LB are the awesome discounts they have. Hopefully I'll be able to bring some money home without spending it there.
Today's my first day at the library in a couple weeks. I found out that they need help Tuesdays 12-6 so I'm going to see if that's okay with LB. At LB I only get min. wage but here I get $13 an hour. I don't want to pass that up so I'm hoping they are okay with it. That means I could work at LB Monday's, Wednesdays, Fridays, Saturdays and possibly Sunday afternoons. Cause Tuesday and Thursday I'm at the library and Sunday mornings I'm at church. I need to talk with them tomorrow. I'm praying it works. At least for some Tuesdays anyways. I need the money!
So that's what's going on with me. Mike and I are still rocky. We have our good days and we have our bad days. We seem to be having good days right now. I really hope it stays this way. He got a job at Petco which is definitely helping him. I hope he can keep it. Honestly that will prove a lot to me. It's not easy being in a relationship with someone who is bipolar and who's family doesn't really help. UGH
I am so tired right now. I could fall asleep. That's out of the question though.

I have a job interview on Friday with Lane Bryant. Do you know how badly I would looooove this job. I don't think I'd take home any money because I'd spend all my paychecks. haha. I would love for them to hire me on the spot like Morning Star did....doubtful though since most places don't do that. It would be awesome though. I'm just trying to talk myself into continuing with MS until I get hired somewhere else. blah

Back to working on my CE stuff.

Today I filled out a bunch of applications because I want to get out of Morning Star ASAP. I do not like it there at all. The work is fairly easy, but I do not feel comfortable with the management. Tomorrow I'm scheduled to work while another female will be working. That will be the first time so far. I'm looking forward to seeing how this particular manager interacts with her. He gives me the creeps. He brought up the "little girl" thing again. DO NOT LIKE. Then he was explaining to me how I should follow him and Jason (assistant manager) around when they go help a customer so I can see how they answer questions and such. That was fine. BUT then he tried to describe further by saying how I should be attached at the hip. Not so bad, BUT then he took my arm, raised it and pressed his side against mine describing more how we should be attached at the hip. DO NOT LIKE! Seriously I could probably sue them for sexual harassment. Not that he touched me in a sexual way, but he touched me in a way that was not appropriate for a work environment and it made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. I need the money desperately so I want to hold on until I get another job. And when I leave I will make sure to tell them the reason why. creeper.

Other than that today was......not so good. I'm struggling keeping things together with Mike. Fighting against and working with his bipolar. ugh. I hate it. Thankfully he has two job interviews tomorrow and I think that will help him a lot. He needs something to do during the day other than chores around the house. It's time for him to grow up. The age and maturity differences have been showing so much lately. I'm trying to ignore them, but they won't go away. One day at a time.

Tomorrow is a wicked busy day for me. My plan is to wake up at 7:30 and hit the gym. Then back here to shower and go drop off some applications. Then I'll go to the church and do some work. Then I have Morning Star from 4-8. I'm not even attempting to go to Mikes tomorrow night. I know I'll be exhausted. Plus I have Morning Star at 9:30 the next day so getting to bed early isn't such a bad idea. I have so much work to get done for the church this week in preparation for the first day of Sunday school this Sunday. Since they hired me so late and didn't already have a curriculum ordered, I had to do that....It definitely won't be here for Sunday. I hope the teachers don't hate me. lol. I'll do my best.

That's all. I'm tired....my bed is calling my name

Today I saw Mike's most recent ex. She goes to the church that I am now working at. So weird. Part of me wishes I had known this before I applied there, because I wouldn't have applied. Another part of me is glad I didn't know beforehand because I love the church. I don't know. It's very awkward. I don't think I'll ever have to actually talk with her so that's good. I'll be polite though if she ever approaches me. According to Mike she has some serious issues. That's why he broke it off with her after a month.....he wanted to earlier, but was afraid she'd harm herself if he did. I thought she was completely out of then picture then I have to go work at her church. lol. Small world.

Other than that church was good this morning. My job doesn't really begin until next Sunday...when Sunday school starts. That will be a very very busy day. I'm looking forward to it yet dreading it at the same time. Should be fun.
In about an hour or so I'm leaving with my parents for my uncle Brians house. He's having a small cookout. I'm dissappointed because I thought it was going to be the whole family but my aunt marsha and her fam aren't going. My grandma has been sick so I don't know if she'll be there. And Jon won't be there because he's away at college. Mike might go depending on his family get together today. They are supposed to be having a family meeting about him. To me a family meeting is a good idea, but they should have gone to Boston to have it mediated by his doctor. I'm worried about what's going to happen after the thing. I feel bad for Mike. I hope he can come with me and get away from it.

I think that's all the news I have. I'm debating applying to the paperstore rather than working at Morning Star. I just don't feel comfortable there. It doesn't help that the manager calls me "little girl" because he can't remember my name. NOT COOL. Next time he does it I'm speaking up. It makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. But see with conservative Christians like himself, women are submissive. NOT ME! lol. I won't take that. girl power....lol

Enough of me rambling.....I'm getting ready to leave.

Three jobs is going to be a lot. Tomorrow I'm telling the people at Morning Star that while I said 20 was the minimum amount of hours I'd be happy with...I now wouldn't complain about going lower. As of now I really don't have a day off. That is going to kill me in a matter of no time. I need a day for Sabbath. I didn't take a year off of school to kill myself with work. If it takes more time than planned to get my own place then I'll have to deal with that. I can't do more than 40 hours a week. Already I feel myself getting stressed. Part of it is that I realize how good I had it at the library. For the amount I got paid, it was probably the easiest job I'll ever have. When they asked me about hours, I should have said then that I would take as many as I could. But instead I waited and applied for other jobs thinking they would be better. Today I called the library back asking if I could have more hours so I could drop Morning Star and basically I can't get enough to make it worth it. I would need at least 7 more hours to make it worth it. Blah....man I was really praying they could give me those hours. Part of it is that I'm not used to this kind of job. I don't do sales. I like working on my own in that kind of environment. I've only worked 2 days so I need to give it more time. I just have to keep thinking of the money....and the reward being my own place in the hopefully somewhat near future.
I wanted to go to the Big E with Mike this year, but I don't think I'll have the money to. I don't think I'll have enough money to pay my 2 month overdue phone bill. Next week I'll get a check from the library, but it will only be for around 50 since I only worked one day for a few hours last week. Today I found out my first Morning Star check won't be for another 2 weeks. I don't know about the church. I have to ask that. I hope it's every two weeks and not monthly/ I might have to ask my parents for help this week. I only have 20 something in the bank and I also need to get gas.......oye.
I'm in one of those moods....because there is good stuff going on....I'm just tired.

I have my first official job in my actual field! I'm so excited about it. I'll be the Christian Education Director at a congregational church in Whitinsville, MA. Basically in the middle of no where. I have good feelings about it. It feels less like a job and more like a calling....which is how it should be. I need this so bad right now.....for me.
I'm still working some hours at the library. Once classes start I'll be at 15 hours a week. With those two jobs I'll just manage to be able to pay my current bills. So I still have to look for another one on top of those two. Honestly I don't know how I'm going to do it. My parents are still helping me with 4 bills. gym, credit card, car, and car insurance. Before I can get my own place I need to be able to pay those bills on my own. I've done some more calculating and with bills and expenses I'm at about 2,200 a month. That includes future bills and expenses like rent and health insurance. Wit the current income I have, there is a negative difference of about 1,110. There's just no way I can do that. I don't know how. The other job I get would have to let me work the 4 days a week I have free, plus some hours inbetween on the other days with the other jobs. oye.
I worry about my future with Mike. Seriously worry about it. I understand he has bipolar so he needs to be taken care of differently....but he has it so easy in some ways. He doesn't pay for anything. His mom gives him money all the time. I thougt I was clueless about bills and such, but he's way beyond me. Right now he's not doing anything. He has started going to the gym with me and since he can't pay for the membership he's working a couple hours a week to work off the membership. That's really nice of the owners to do. Anyways, he doesn't have a regular job. I know it's not easy to get one, but he's not even applying. He doesn't do anything around the house. NO wonder his mom wants to have a family meeting with him. I can see both sides....his family side and his side. It's not an easy situation. It's so difficult because I can see things he could do to make the situation so much better. augh.....so frustrating.

I hate money. Finally I sat down to figure out my financial status. Right now I'm paying only $200 in bills. That includes verizon, best buy credit card, bally's gym (that I don't even go to anymore), and Lahey Clinic. I also pay for my medication, which I'm late paying for it already and have a bill over $200. Then there's gas which I rounded to about $100 a month. The bills I'm not paying for are my car, car insurance, and credit card. Thankfully my parents have been helping with that. It's a little under $500 for those three. I don't know what I'd do without them....seriously. And I've stopped paying them for rent...and I was only giving them $200 a month for that. Right now, I'm making only $400 a month. I need a job sooooo freakin desperately. And no one seems to be hiring. The only jobs I really really really don't want to do are fast food, waitressing, and grocery store. Other than that, I'm open to just about anything. I applied for so many jobs online. Friday afternoon I get out at 1 and I think I'll start going to places in person. Get a bunch of applications and mail them in. Maybe that's better than trying online. I only have 2 possible church jobs. A few have already turned me down......without even having an interview. Mostly because by the time I got to them, they already picked someone else. blah.
okay, enough about money.
Mike is home now. He was gone for 16 days. Toooo long. He completely missed the week my parents were away. I visited him 3 times in the hospital I think. The last week I didn't visit at all because they kept telling him he was going home. Then they would change their minds. The hospital didn't seem very organized or with it. I felt bad for him. He's home now though. He's started the day program there. It's from 9-3, but his mom needs to be at work for 6 so they leave at 5am. Crazy. I don't know how he's going to do it for 2 weeks. That's how long he'll be in the program. At least that's how long insurance covers it. After that it's out of pocket.I don't think his mom would pay for it any longer.
I hope things get better. They are looking up but we have a ways to go. August 7-9th we'll be gone to vermont for a wedding. I think it's his cousin getting married. I'm looking forward to that. A weekend away is just what we need. We need time alone so badly. Either we're here at my house with my parents or at his house with his mom and grandparents. We can't catch a break.
This Sunday will be my third sunday in a row preaching. 3 different churches too. And I've been using the same sermon. hehe. At least I get paid for it. Thank goodness. I'm working extra hours this week to make up for the previous two weeks. So my next check will be a good one. I'll be able to pay all my bills on time. I wish I could give some back to my parents, but I don't think that will be possible. I don't think I'll be able to pay them until I get a real job. Not this 10 hour a week library one. At least it's 12/hour.
Okay, I said I would stop with the money.
I'm gonna get to bed. I want to wake up early and workout before I have to leave for work. Goodnight

Things with Mike and I haven't been great. In college I took a class called abnormal psychology and we studied briefly about bipolar. Well, little did I know then that I'd fall head over heals in love with someone who has it. It's one thing learning about it in books, a whole other thing dealing with it in real life. I think he's at his worst right now that he's ever been. So bad that he's going to the hospital for God knows how long. I have such mixed feelings about this. On Sunday my parents are going to Maine for a week. The plan was for Mike to crash at my house. and Yes my parents were fine with this. Not extremely happy, but being that I'm 25 and they will be away, they were okay with this plan. I doubt Mike will be back to spend any time with me while they're gone. I know it's selfish of me, but I think I have a little right to be selfish when it comes to who I love. The other part of me wants Mike to get help. Some of his bad habits are resurfacing and they are getting in between us. I'm not sure he had to be hospitalized to fix this though. But I'm not a doctor. It was his mom who called his doctor. The whole threat of being hospitalized has been in the air for about 2 weeks. Neither of us thought it would actually happen. But his mom had enough. This also brings mixed feelings. I've only been with Mike for 11 months (today's our "anniversary") while his mom has known him for much longer. I can completely understand how some of the things he does or doesn't do would get under her skin. But she has some issue's too. She's so filled with anger that the littlest thing causes her to explode. I've honestly never seen anything like it. Don't get me wrong, she can be a very sweet woman.
I don't know. I'm all over the place emotionally. Not sure what to think. The other day I was close to ready to calling it quits for us. Mike asked me to give him some time. So I told him I would and that's what I'm doing. Right now I want to be there for him because he's going through a difficult time. I don't want to add the stress of our relationship to that. And after spending a couple days away from him and then seeing him yesterday for a few hours and talking about us a whole lot, I think we can get through this.
I told him that we should sit down and talk about bipolar. I want to know what to expect. There are things that he does that frustrates me and I want to know if it's qualities of bipolar that he can't change or personality things that are changable.....if he wants to change. I spent too much time with Ian hoping I could change him. It was then I learned someone can only change if they want to. SO I just want to be real about this. I also want to talk about our future and our own expectations. Not that I have my future planned out, but if I'm in a committed relationship for almost a year now, there are things I expect to happen. If we aren't on similar pages then we both need to take that into consideration. I think this next year is going to be really hard for us. It's going to bring out the best and worst in us and show us where we're at.
SO that's what's going on with Mike and I. I'm praying for him that he will be open to the doctors opinions and advice and that he will take all that's said and done seriously so he can better himself. And I pray his mom gets some help as well and talks with his doctors.

In other news I am job searching. I have my 10 hour a week position at the ANTS library, but that's not enough. I'm looking to get a part time church position and a full time weekly position. I'd love to have a full time church position, but those aren't widely available. There was one listed in the UCC website and I didn't get it. Tomorrow I have to call 3 businesses back because they left messages on my cell. That looks promising. I really need one that gets me 40 hours a week and benefits. We'll see. I sent out so many applications...it's crazy. Something has to work. I need money so badly. I can't even pay all my bills. Then I get a call from Sallie Mae saying they have me listed as not taking classes all last year! What! So I have to take care of that tomorrow. It should be as simple as calling ANTS and have them fax some info to Sallie Mae.

I think everyone is sick of this weather. Seriously. we haven't had a sunny day in so long. and if the sun does make an appearance it's for a couple hours or just one day. I'd really appreciate 2 days in a row. I hope my parents have some sun next week when they're on vacation. I'm going up for one day. Mike was gonna come along too, but who knows. He just left and I already can't wait for him to come back. :( Even with all the stuff that's going on I love him so much. With everything I have. I've never felt this way about someone and maybe that's why it's so scary that we're going through this hard time. Ugh

I'm looking forward to having the house to myself though. Even if Mike's not there with me, I will enjoy it. I miss having that freedom. Not that I'm a prisoner like Mike is (seriously it feels that way at his house a lot)...I feel I have to been respectful of them and it's not easy when I've been on my own. That's a big reason for getting a job. So I can save up for an apartment so I can get out in a year...or sooner if possible.

And that's my life right now. Up and down, all over the place like a roller coaster.

Yesterday Mike came over my house unexpectedly with hand picked daisies. I thought that was so sweet of him. Daisies are my favorite after all. Just now, he showed up at the library with a bouquet of daisies and roses. This was even more surprising than yesterday. I still can't get the smile on my face off. I keep thinking, was that just a dream, but then I see the flowers and know it's real. After he left, one of my bosses asked if it was my birthday...hehe. Nope, it's just because he loves me :)
I'm so happy :) I can't wait to see him tonight :)

Today I was being a typical girl and browsed wedding dresses. I've always had an idea of what I've wanted. The dress I found today is exactly what I want. It gets me excited thinking about the future. Not that I'm getting engaged anytime soon. If Mike did propose I know I'd say yes. I'd like to wait till he's done with school though. My mom told me she really thinks we should live together for a year or so before we get engaged. I was surprised when she told me since we've talked about this before and her opinion was very different. But I because of certain things she thinks we need to live together first. I agree with her and think it would be a good idea. It's all very interesting. I think for my birthday he's giving me a promise ring. He's given a couple hints :) He's not very good with keeping surprises. lol I love him for that, hehe.
here's the link for the dress I loooove.

http://www.davidsbridal.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplayView?storeId=10052&catalogId=10051&categoryId=-49995489¤tIdx=11&subCategory=-49999486|-49998998|-49995489&catentryId=1000397


I want the Apple color. It will match the colors of my wedding. maroon and white. I've known the colors for a long time now. lol. I love thinking about this stuff.
I'm done now.

This Sunday is my last day at Burlington, UCC. It's a bittersweet feeling....more sweet than bitter. Peggy and I have finally come to the decision that we are different people with very different theologies, and that's okay. Too bad it took us so long to figure that one out. I didn't even bother to write a reflection today because I knew we'd be talking about wrapping things up for the end of my time there. I already know a card was being passed around the congregation to sign. Peggy also told me today that on Sunday there will be a brief acknowledgment of my time there and that I'm moving on to the next chapter of my life. It's good.
Yesterday was my first day of therapy. She booked me two more appointments and it looks like I'll be going every 2-3 weeks. I thought that was a lot and I need to figure out how much it's going to cost me. It's been $25 a visit and that's a lot for me right now. I was there for 45 minutes and she basically wanted to know about me and some of my problems...why I'm there and stuff. Next time we'll have more focus on one or two things I guess. It's weird to talk to a stranger about myself. My weight is one of the reasons to my problems and I feel ashamed telling her my bad habits. She's so skinny and pretty.....I wonder how much she can really understand when it comes to that. In the next few weeks and months hopefully I'll get some answers to why I am the way I am.
Things with Mike aren't 100%, but they aren't horrible. I hope things get better once he's done this semester. He comes home Friday and I hope we can spend more time together. It's difficult just seeing him maybe once a week on the weekends. He's having a hard time with classes and will probably fail a couple. That's really affecting...effect...whatever....him. lol. No matter how many times I'm told the difference between the two, I can never get it right. I know ones a noun and ones a verb....I know what I'm trying to say and that's all that matters to me.
There are 3 movies that I really want to see. 1) the second Night at the Museum 2)Star Trek 3)Angels and Demons. I haven't ever really watched any kind of Star Trek or Star Wars anything, but this new one looks good. On the radio one morning they were talking with a guy who had a big part of making it and he was saying that at a showing both newbies to Star Trek and Trekkie's loved it. I have yet to read Angels and Demons, but I think I want to before I see the movie. I read the DaVinci Code first and the book is way better than the movie....both are excellent though. Maybe that's how I'll feel about Angels and Demons. I think my mom owns it...I'll have to check.
I have applied to 2 jobs. One is the Christian Education Director at my home church. It would only be 12 hours a week and the max compensation is $8,000. Not much, so I'd have to find a second job for during the week. The other job I applied for is in Glastonbury, CT. It's a bit of a commute, but it would be a full time job. I'd probably get benefits and be paid more and get paid vacations. The position is Director of Education Ministry....basically a C.E. director. There is a large focus on youth which is awesome. Judging by their website they have a large youth group. It has to be a big church because they have a senior minister, an associate minister, and a full time C.E. person. Not many churches can do that anymore. There are pro's and con's to both. I'd be happy with either one. The best part about the CT one is that I wouldn't need to get another job. I can't wait to find something out from either of them.
I start work in 10 minutes. Hopefully Mike will come online to keep me company.

I've had such a horrible week. Probably would fit in the top 10 weeks of my life and there's no humor in that what so ever. First of all I didn't see Mike last weekend. He decided to take a work weekend. That wouldn't be bad if it weren't for the fact that because of prior history I have to doubt if he's even working or not. If he would only work during the week instead of goofing off. SO frustrating. SO all weekend I was really emotional. As much as he frustrates me, with all the bad stuff going on in my life currently I look forward to my weekends with him more than anything. It's like a breath of fresh air and and escape from my problems just for a short time.
On Tuesday I met with my prof before class. She told me that there really isn't anything I can do now to make up for the classes I've missed. She talked with the dean of students and suggested that I take the class again, or one similar, and not be charged for it. She said she can't promise that will happen, but she suggested it. So I found out I won't be in that class anymore. I wanted to break down. I went to see if the dean was in, but she couldn't meet with me.
I had to work that day, but I wanted to go home to get some comfort from my mom....finally tell her I have no control.
On the way home in the rain my car wipers broke. The drivers side one was hanging out my my mirror. I had to pull over twice to get it back on the car. After that I didn't use them...Driving on the highway with no wipers is not fun....or safe. That added to the bad day. When I got home I went to the church to see my mom. I broke down in front of her and she was like, what in the world is wrong. SO I told her how I wasn't in the class anymore. I thought she was going to be so disappointed in me but instead she put it all into perspective. In the scheme of things it's not the end of the world. I just have to take it now in small pieces and figure it out. I'll get my Easter stuff done then starting next week I'll tackle my incompletes from last semester. That's all I can really do. Not that everything she said made it okay, but it helped.
Thursday I got my wipers fixed.....it was the wiper transmission that broke...whatever that is....and it cost over $300. The guy seeing how pathetic I was dropped the price to $289. Just what I needed. To pay that much when I don't even have that much., I should be able to pay for something like that by myself, but noooo. I had to call my mom for help. I mean, I have that much in my account, but then I would have none left for my other bills. I hate money.
Yesterday was a good day. I spent most of it with Mike. Today I probably won't see him because he has to work on school stuff. Sometimes I wonder if he does any work during the week. Why doesn't he get as much done during the week so on the weekends he can see me more. Blah! I don't understand him. I told him that I had the choice to work on my Easter stuff during the week or I could wait until the weekend. I finished all my stuff so I could see him. And now look at who has work. So frustrating! Why do I make all the effort when he doesn't. :(
At least I have things I can do today. And my grandma is coming this afternoon so that will be nice. We're going out to dinner at the Texas Roadhouse....yum!
I woke up early so I can go to bed early. I want to be in bed by 8 so I can fall asleep maybe by 9. I have to wake up at 3:15am tomorrow so I can get ready and leave for the sunrise service in Burlington. Hopefully next year I won't be in charge of a sunrise service so I don't have to wake up quite as early. It is one of my favorite services so that's good. After that service I'll have a couple hours till the church service at 9am...Then there's another one at 11. Then I can come home for the afternoon. My grandma will be here still and then my aunt, uncle and cousin are coming for Easter dinner. Should be a nice time. I'll probably crash in the afternoon.
That's a pretty decent update. I'll watch some tv now. I should read over my Easter message for the sunrise service tomorrow. Make sure it sounds good and flows.
I want to take a nap so bad.

I have never gotten myself into this much trouble before. Waiting till the week/day before my senior thesis was due in college to work on it has no comparison to what I'm dealing with now. I'm afraid to tell my mom, but at the same time I really really need to. Okay, so here's what's going on. Last semester I took 15 credits. For undergrad that's not too bad, but for grad school it's way overloaded. Most people here take 6-9 credits. Last semester I was also dealing with a lot of medical issue's. I had kidney stones which was really the minor thing. The major problem is my depression. It completely took over. To help, I took 3 of those classes as incompletes. I have yet to work on any of them and technically they are due at the beginning of May. I could get the date pushed back another semester since they are medical incompletes, but I'd rather not. This semester I signed up for field ed and 3 other classes. For one class I didn't even attend the first two times it met so it was suggested that I drop it. So now I'm in field ed and that's actually going really well. Then theres the history class that I've missed like 3 or 4 classes so I'm meeting with the prof to discuss if there's anyway I can get credit. And now I just got an e-mail about my field ed session (not field education, but a class about it) and since I've missed that 5 times I can't get credit. I'm still trying to beg though for that. If I don't get credit for that my loans might be taken away...I don't know how that will work since I've already used the money, so I don't know. I'm in sooo deep I can hardly breathe.
I want to meet with the dean of students to find out about taking a semester or two off from school. I could get a job at a church and then another one somewhere else. I just had a meeting at Mittineague and the pastor told me that the Christian Educator position will be opening up and it's possible I could get it.
SO that's what's on my plate right now. Taking a semester off I think is what I really need. Talking to different people about this is my first priority though. It would give me time to get things done and take a lot of weight off my shoulder.
I want to talk with my mom about this but I'm afraid of what she'll say. She said something before that if I decided to take time off she would support me, but at that time I wasn't seriously considering that. Now that it's looking good, I hope she'll still support me.
Another problem is my finances. I'm struggling. Well, right now I'm not but I don't know what will happen with the loans. Why can't I have a rich family that can pay for my education.
The only good thing right now is Mike. My mom gets upset when I focus time on him, but he's really the only good thing in my life. Everything else is unsure and chaotic. I look forward so much to the weekends when I get to see him. He was on break for a week and I saw him almost every day. that was nice. I can't wait till summer when we can spend more time together and neither of us will have the stress of school. He's struggling as well. What a pair we make! haha
Right now my plan is to talk with my profs and some other faculty, talk over my options and see where that leads. Once I have some concrete choices I'll talk with my mom. I want to be confident in what I decide and when I talk with her.