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It's been a long time since the last time I posted something on here. I've been writing a lot more in my paper journal so I find writing in two places redundant and boring. I guess a short update on here would be good every once in a while. Even my friends page has been blank because others aren't writing. Maybe livejournal is just getting old.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, though I am really struggling. I know what I am thankful for but completely expressing it when I am quite depressed is difficult. A couple days ago I made the decision that Mike and I should take a month or two apart from each other to work on ourselves. We both even changed our facebook status' to single. It's the hardest decision I've ever had to make because I still love him sooooo much. I'm just not sure that we're on the same page or headed in the same direction. He's 3 years younger than me and I wonder if that has something to do with it too. I'm so confused. Since our last conversation all I've been doing is thinking about him and questioning myself if I made the right choice. I feel lost. And it's hard to talk about with my parents because they see this as a good thing. At least my mom understands how hard it is for me. She knows how much I love him. Whenever I'm at my computer I check his facebook page.....which I need to stop. He hasn't even been online that I know of. I told him we shouldn't talk at all, but that's so hard to do when he's been my best friend for over 2 years. And it's the holidays and his birthday is in a couple weeks. My heart feels like its being ripped out of my chest and my stomach is hurting so bad. I'm like making myself sick over this. And with all of this said, something....something is telling me I made the right decision. That something doesn't make this any easier though. I wish I could see into the future to know what was going to happen so I could stop all this worrying. I'm such a mess.
I don't want to write anymore. I'm sounding so pathetic. Maybe that's why I keep my writing mostly to my paper journal now. haha

Aug. 3rd, 2010


I hate payless. Always thought I'd love to work there and I absolutely hate it. The job itself is fairly easy. However the drama is too much. It's amazing the trash talking that can happen between a few women. crazy actually. The difficult part is that it's easy to fall into the gossip/trash talking when it happens. I hate it. I try so hard to stay out of it, but it seems I fail every time. Then there's the manager who thinks it's okay to walk all over me. When I was hired I told them I couldn't work weekends..it was on my application and talked about during my interview....The first week I was put on a Saturday....I told her I couldn't and she replied "I never hire people if they can't work weekends...you have to" So because I need the money I stuck with it. She did say that she would give me at least Friday or Saturday off....So if I was to work Friday I'd get Saturday off and vice versa. Since then there have been a couple times when she put me on both and I have a weekend coming up where she put me on both. OYE. Then there's the issue of my vacations. When I was hired I let them know up front about them. I guess now it's a problem. She makes it look like I've been lying to her and not telling her about my schedule. I have been honest from the beginning and it bothers me that because I'm nice they feel they can walk over me. I e-mailed the ANTS library tonight asking if they want me back in the fall. I'm praying they do and that I might be able to start earlier. I HATE RETAIL! lol.
I'm trying to register for classes this week. Stupidly I put off some important details in order to register so I'm praying everything works out and I can register at all. Even better it would be nice if I could get the classes I want.
Mike and I are doing very well. We just celebrated our 2 year anniversary and it was great. We were able to have some good quality alone time together and it was really nice. Of course we still have our issues and we don't ignore that. Right now I'm trying to stay positive because I love him with all my heart and I want to make sure we do everything we can to stay together before giving up on us.
I don't want to write anymore. I think I write the same thing every entry. lol ....oh well.

Jul. 21st, 2010

Life......it goes on.

Payless is a pain. I absolutely hate working there because of all the drama. I thought Lane Bryant was bad, but they are nothing compared to Payless. I need to work somewhere with all guys. haha. Maybe then I would avoid some drama. Thankfully I don't need Payless once September roles around. Actually I'm thinking about quitting before I leave on my camping trip with Mike at the end of August. They aren't going to want me working there anyways because my schedule will be changing so much. I'd only be able to work maybe a couple days a week. I don't even know. I'm not worrying about that quite yet. First I need to make sure I can go to school. I've straightened out all my loans except for Sallie Mae. I need to call them soon. Tomorrow I need to call the IT department at ANTS and figure out why I can't get into my e-mail. I know there's one e-mail about some sort of overdue balance which I believe is from late registration. Since I didn't take any classes I believe I shouldn't have to pay that so I need to get to my e-mail to see who I need to call. I'm considered a senior so I can register during the senior time which I want to do so I get into the classes I want. I'm excited to start classes again. I just pray all goes well.
Nothing new is happening with Mike. We're riding the same roller coaster we've been on for a while. What I'm seeing/feeling right now is that we have great chemistry together. We are both highly attracted to each other and there's always sparks. However when it comes to real life situations like our future, I can't see it working. He's so immature in certain things....like financial stuff. I'm at a certain level and he's not there yet. The group home isn't helping at all. It's just the same stuff in a different location. He does finally have a job....Dunkin Donuts, nothing spectacular, but it's something. This will be a big test if he can keep it or not. I pray he can because that will show me he's capable. I'm worried about it.
This weekend my mom will be walking the Susan G. Komen 3-day walk for breast cancer. I am soooo incredibly proud of her. She's put in sooo many miles already. Now she'll be doing 60 miles in 3 days. WOW. A small walk for her is 5 miles. That's funny because most people would consider that a decent long walk. She's done amazing. Raised over 3,000 when she only needed to raise 2,300. Go Mom! Sunday is a closing ceremony that I plan to attend. That should be good. Then on Monday we leave for Maine for a week. I'm sooooooo excited for that. A week of total relaxation. Love it. August 1st will be my 2nd year anniversary with Mike. I can't believe it's been 2 years. It seems way shorter than that.......and in other ways it seems sooo much longer. haha.
I should get going. I have work tomorrow and I need to do laundry before that. Maybe hit the gym.....maybe. haha. night.
I've had such a great birthday. One of the best probably. Friday night my parents took me out to dinner at an Italian restaurant. Soooo yummy. I had my first creme brulee....omg heaven. After that I went to meet up with Mike at Newton Centre. We spent the evening watching UP...though we didn't watch the whole thing because I was so tired. Saturday he planned the day and didn't tell me what we were doing until we got there. He always spills the beans when he tries to surprise me with something, but this time he didn't. Not even hints. we took a ferry boat to the Boston Islands and spent the day there. He thought we would be able to go from island to island, but I guess that doesn't start yet. So we stayed on George Island I think. There's a Civil War fort there....Fort Warren I believe. We walked all around. It was really cool because some places we could actually go inside of it. And we could walk on top of the whole thing. I put pictures of it on facebook. Then we laid in the grass and watched plains leaving logan and took a snooze. When we were in line for the Ferry ride back it started to sprinkle. But the boat came and we missed most of the rain while we were on the boat. Perfect timing really. When we got to the Harbor we decided to go to the Hard Rock Cafe for diner. Waiting was awful because my feet were hurting and there was no where to sit. Although when we were leaving I noticed people sitting outside waiting to go in, so we could have done that. We both ordered the same thing which I thought was cute. Mac and cheese with chicken. really really good. We left there to go to his place then back to Newton Centre. Besides having 4 blisters on one foot and 3 on the other it was a great day. I was so exhausted by the end. I hope we can do more things like that while Mike is in Boston.

Tomorrow I start my official first day at Payless. I'm worried about my feet because they still really hurt. I'm praying I'll be able to make it for 7 hours on them. I'll have to let them know right away though...not that it would matter because besides the back office there's no where to sit. I think I'm quitting Lane Bryant. It's not worth it to keep them around. Target called yesterday and want to set up an interview. I don't know if I can do both Payless and Target because of scheduling. If Target opens early I could do them in the morning and Payless in the afternoon evening. I should check their hours.

So that's my life....trying to make my relationship with Mike work and trying to make money. ooh yeah.
There are moments when I feel like I have clarity.......they are rare. Most of my life lately seems like chaos. Complete chaos. Two of the three jobs I had will be taking a break for the summer. Those are the church and the library. I've already stopped working at the library and I have through at least mid- June for the church. Lane Bryant is a serious joke. Four hours a week if that?! I've been applying everywhere I can. The only places I won't go near are restaurants and fast food. Last week I had an interview with Payless and I happily got the job! Friday I go in for an hour or so to do paperwork and then I will start working the following week. This Thursday I have an interview for a Christian Education position at a church in Amherst. This church's position is 20-30 hours a week and includes benefits. As much as I've enjoyed working at the church I'm currently at, if I can get a similar position that offers more...I'm going to take it. The only thing I'll need to consider is the commute. It's about an hour and 30 minutes from here.....and I also have to take into consideration that I'll be going back to school at ANTS which is in the complete opposite direction. I really would be covering the state. haha. We'll see how the interview goes on Thursday. I'm looking forward to it. If I got that job I wouldn't need any retail job. I would do that and go to classes....Maybe get some extra hours in at the library. In that respect it would be perfect. I don't want to get my hopes up though.
I feel like everything is crazy. My finances are out of control. I don't have enough money to pay for bills and I certainly haven't worked hard (at all) at figuring out my school loans and all that. OYE. I'm a mess.
It feels so much better when I vent about this on here. It will be nice when things are clear and I'm not stressing over everything. If only the ministry was a good paying career......haha
Sitting in my office at the church right now waiting for Robert, the pastor, to get here to we can chat and then I have to get out of here so I can be at the library for 4:30. I finished my church work so I figured since I haven't updated for a while I'd do that.
I've been sick for 3 weeks. I'm much better than when I first got it. That was awful. Now the worst part is at night because I can't sleep. My cough wakes me up constantly. So annoying.
Things with Mike and I are good. Hardly perfect, but they are good. We've actually been having a really good time together and haven't argued much for weeks. Until the other day when his family told him he couldn't get a job. I won't go into the mess, but I can't wait until he can get away from his family....at least not be under their control....who knows when that will be...if ever. Lots of future talk has been happening. Both good and bad.
I'm actually applying for another CE type job. It's more hours, more responsibilities and I'd make more money with benefits. I sent my resume and they e-mailed back saying they're looking it over and I should hear from them at some point. I pray they are interested in me. Not only because it's a bigger job, but also because I've run into some conflict at my current church job. Nothing huge, but enough that I'd like to have something else. In the meantime, I wont be getting paid from here over the summer, because I chose the 10 month option of being paid (since I don't do much over the summer)....I don't have any hours at the library over the summer, and Lane Bryant is just a mess. (no hours this week from them). So I'm working on getting a job to make some cash...I'm even applying at Walmart. I'm kinda applying for anything except fast food.
Not sure what else to write about. My life really isn't that exciting. From being with Mike in Cambridge almost every weekend, I'm realizing how much of a city person I am NOT. I hate the city. The people freak me out, I hate being squeezed in with people on the T and having armpits in my face, I hate the smell of the city, and I hate driving anywhere with lots of cars. haha. Mike however loves the city. If we ever move in together we're going to try to get a place near a commuter rail. Far enough from Boston that we might be able to afford it and close enough to get there on the train. I like going to Boston occasionally and being a tourist, but that's it.
Now I shall pack up my junk and drive to the library. adios

chaa again

What a good time I've had this weekend. Sadly it came to an end. Yesterday I met Mike at the Newton Centre T stop that's right down the road from ANTS. We haven't seen each other in 3 weeks so it was like meeting each other for the first time ever. I was so nervous. Like a little girl, lol. We got to his aunts house and then went next door to a Thai restaurant. Sooooo good. I got sweet and sour chicken with sticky rice. The sauce was nothing like the kind at Chinese places. It was way better. and then the sticky rice with the sauce...soooooo good. And we also had chicken satay...not sure on the spelling for that one. yummy though..good with peanut sauce. The rest of the night we hung out at his aunts. she was gone for the evening so we basically had the place to ourselves. It was nice. We slept in late and went to Fire & Ice for a late lunch. Again, soooo good. haha. That's the third time I've been to one, but the first time at harvard. I saw Mara too. It was good running into her. We left there and went back to his Aunts...lounged about then his aunt offered to drive me back to school. I could have stayed later and taken the T, but I couldn't pass a free ride back. I can't wait to see Mike next weekend. His aunt won't let us stay with her all the time because she only has a small place. But I'm thinking maybe once a month...I dunno. Then hopefully Mike will come back here the rest...or I could go there for a day.
Tomorrow I have church and I'm doing the children's message. I'm worried about it because I don't really have anything good. blah. Then I'm also working on the service for Children's Sunday which I am lost with.
Okay, I'm getting tired...need sleep.
Mike and I are breaking up. It hasn't happened yet because I keep holding on, but I think I need to let go. Nothing is changing. A year ago if this was going on he would be doing everything possible to convince me to stay with him. He would have taken the T to come see me at work and showed up with flowers. He would have written me a letter expressing his love for me. He wouldn't have done nothing. He would be calling me every chance he got. He would continue to say "I love you" even if I didn't. He wouldn't call me once at home and leave a message in the morning when I told him the day before that I'd be gone all day. He would have tried to reach me on my cell. Maybe he has given up to.......although when I tell him how I feel he says he doesn't want to break up. I don't understand why it's so difficult to talk with me. It's not like I'm an incredibly busy person who has no time.
Usually he'd be excited to tell me about his day. He isn't anymore. He keeps everything inside. Not just his feelings, but even less serious things.
I want to see him Saturday. I'll see how he is tomorrow. See if he calls. See if he talks. Last chance.

falling apart

Like I always say......it's a roller coaster. Things are bad again. I'm fighting to keep this relationship together and he's just letting it go. On my drive to youth group tonight I really began to consider that it's not going to work. I can't always be the one fighting. Today he didn't even bother to call me. I called him for a second time on my way to the church this evening and asked if he was planning on calling me....he said yeah, of course. And to that I replied, when? you know I have youth group so when did you think you were going to call? And he basically didn't have an answer. If we aren't physically seeing eachother and the only way we have to communicate is through phone calls or AIM, then he's gotta make an effort to call. I think he's going through a depressed phase now.....normally I think he would care....or maybe he doesn't realize how close I am to leaving him....I am soooo close. I won't be in a relationship where I am walked all over again. I can't let myself be in that kind of a relationship. It's not like I'm keeping any of this from him either. I know sometimes I expect him to do what I'd like him to do without really telling him my feelings, but I'm being very very clear. I wrote a letter last night further explaining how I feel. He should get it Tuesday.I mean, I don't know what to do. Saturday we were going to hang out. I was going to drive to my school then take the T into Boston. I told him I wasn't going to go because he wasn't even making an effort to talk with me. Why should I drive an hour, spend another hour on the T, and spend money I don't really have, when he can't even make an effort to talk with me. Maybe he was thinking I'd give in like I usually do, but I didn't. This Saturday we'll have the same opportunity to hang out. I told him that he needs to prove to me that he wants me there....So far he hasn't...all he says is, "I'll do better."....THEN DO IT. gosh. Is it really that difficult. If it is then we have serious problems.......It's killing me inside. And it's going to kill me if I have to end it. I love him so much. More than I've ever loved anyone. That's why I'm trying so hard. I'm trying to be patient. I want to be supportive while he's in the group home.....but do I let my needs waiver? Do I just suck it up and pretend like it doesn't matter? My mom wants us to break up. Yesterday she said, "you deserve better. you should be treated like you're on a pedestal" ....... I want that. Mike says he wants to treat me that way...he doesn't though.
I texted Manda today and asked if she was free for lunch Tuesday. I could really use a friend. I dont know that I want to talk about all of this, but I just want to be around one of my girlfriends. I miss having girlfriends and being able to trash boys and vent about life. I miss that more than anything right now.
I don't know what's going to happen with us. I want to hope for the best......
Since my last entry my mood has changed a lot. I am not extremely upset by Mike's moving to Cambridge to be in a group home. Of course I wish it didn't have to happen, however I know it's for the best. I knew this before, but I couldn't get past the hurt I'd feel when he left. It was easy and I cried a lot saying goodbye.....but then he looked at me and said, "you're going to see me again." I knew I was acting as if I wouldn't. It's going to work out though. In fact earlier we decided to meet up on Thursday. I'm going to drive to school and take the T into Quincy Market. We'll have a few hours to spend with each other before he needs to be back to the house and I'll need to be back for dinner. I really really really can't wait till he can have overnights. His aunt invited us to stay at her place, right in Cambridge, if we wanted. I don't know how often she'll allow us to stay over, but any time is good. This means we can sleep at her place and spend the day in Boston or something. I think our relationship will be healthier because of this. Before we were saw each other every day but we sat in front of the tv and that's it. We could't go out much because everything costs money. Now we'll be able to hang out in the Commons or walk the Freedom Trail. I think, I hope, I pray this will be good for us. I do hope he doesn't have to be there for more than a year. The minimum of 6 months would be perfect, but I think he needs more time. All I have to do is continue with this positive thinking.
As for everything else.....things are going well. I lost 2 lbs this week....and I didn't exercise for 3 days or drink nearly enough water. This will be a better week.....I hope. For bad news, today I had to pay $500 to get my car fixed. Yesterday it began making a funny noise....almost like an airplane....today I brought it in and prayed that it wouldn't cost a lot. I'm glad I could pay for it without my parents help. Although I was hoping that $500 could go to my mom. Oh well. My car is now fixed and I'm back to being broke. How I love life....lol.